


The Bachelor Party

by LittlebutFiery



Category: Mass Effect
Genre: Bachelor Party, Drunken Shenanigans, F/M, LOTS of Drunken Shenanigans, MEBB, Mass Effect Big Bang, Mentions of Violence, but nothing graphic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-09
Updated: 2016-06-09
Packaged: 2018-07-14 00:57:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,099
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7145567
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LittlebutFiery/pseuds/LittlebutFiery
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When the guys on the Normandy's crew take Garrus out for a bachelor party the night before his wedding to Shepard, things get...interesting.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Bachelor Party

**Author's Note:**

> Shoutout to my wonderful co-author, paradox_thought16 (who doesn't have an account), for helping so much with this, and to the amazing artist, MizDirected, who worked with us for the Mass Effect Big Bang!

“Everything’s in order. The reception is set up, the guests are finishing arriving, Primarch Victus is here, Bakara is with Mordin, who has the rings…” Miranda reported.

“Still think Mordin is a weird name for a krogan,” Jack grumbled, fixing her ponytail in the mirror. “Urdnot Mordin. Just sounds weird.”

Miranda shot a glare at Jack and continued, “Victoria Taylor looks darling in her little flower girl outfit, and Admiral Hackett is ready to walk you down the aisle, Shepard. There’s just…one thing.”

“Yeah?” Shepard asked, focused intently on putting in her pearl earrings.

“Well…none of your male guests are here except Donnelly, Adams, Kolyat, and Bailey. And your groom and the groomsmen are…noticeably absent,” Miranda explained, sounding almost awkward.

Shepard missed her ear piercing, stabbing herself in the earlobe with the earring. She whirled around, demanding, “ _What?_ ”

“No one seems to know where they are,” Liara agreed nervously.

“No ideas at all?” Shepard persisted.

“Well, technically, they aren’t late yet,” Kasumi put in unhelpfully.

“Kasumi, your input is not of a positive value,” EDI commented.

“The wedding is supposed to start in ten minutes. They’re late,” Shepard growled. “Where the hell are they?”

“I haven’t seen any of them since before your bachelorette party last night,” Solana said, shifting uncomfortably.

“Probably passed out with some strippers somewhere,” Jack shrugged. “Or Garrus got cold feet.”

“Why would you say that?” Miranda demanded. She turned back to Shepard and sighed, “As much as I hate to admit it, Jack might have a point. Cortez was planning Garrus’s bachelor party, but that doesn’t mean they didn’t get…carried away. I’m sure you remember the state they were all in after the party in your apartment during the war.”

“ _Not_ that they’re passed out with any strippers,” Tali added quickly. “They’re probably just passed out. You know, alone.”

“You all are remarkably bad at this,” Chakwas commented dryly. “Commander, I’m sure everything is fine. Has anyone tried calling them?”

All of the women exchanged awkward glances, embarrassed no one had thought of it earlier. Shepard pulled up her omni-tool to dial when it pinged with a notification – _Incoming call_.

Grumbling silently to herself about how Garrus better have a _damn_ good explanation, Shepard answered, “Hello?”

“Commander Shepard?” the voice on the end of the line was unfamiliar, but definitely asari.

“Yes, that’s me,” Shepard confirmed, recovering from her initial surprise that the caller wasn’t Garrus.

“Officer Riala T’Rost, C-Sec,” the asari said. “Do you have a minute?”

“Not really, but go on,” Shepard replied flatly.

“Well…I’d explain everything, but I think that might be better done in person. I’ve got some guys in my jail that say they know you. They all seemed pretty sure you’d bail them out,” T’Rost explained.

“Do they have names?” Shepard practically spat. She had a feeling she knew where this was going, and she didn’t like it.

“They were too drunk when we brought them in to give introductions,” T’Rost said. “But it’s quite the group. Two krogan, a bunch of humans, a turian, and…a…something else.”

Shepard sighed, silently counting to ten before she trusted herself to speak. “Send me the address. I’ll be there soon, but they might decide they’re better off in jail.”

She hung up, taking a deep breath to calm herself. She had a bad habit of crying when she got this angry, and Miranda would murder her if she messed up her makeup.

Even if it was her wedding day, and even if her groom had landed himself in prison.

“Well, he’s fucked,” Jack commented, breaking the awkward silence that had fallen. Traynor giggled nervously.

“Affirmative,” EDI agreed.

“We’ll see,” Shepard replied instead, setting down her earrings, standing up, and heading for the door.

“You’re going to the station in your _dress_?” Miranda sounded horrified.

“If we have to wait for me to change, get them, and change back, it’ll be next week before I get married,” Shepard scowled. “This dress is a pain in the ass.”

“Just make sure you don’t get anything dirty from all the ass-kicking you’re about to do,” Kasumi joked. “Good luck.”

“I don’t need luck,” Shepard snapped, heading back towards her dresser.

“I don’t think you need any ammo, either,” Chakwas commented, picking up the pistol Shepard had instinctively kept on the dresser. “I’d rather not deal with any corpses today, if you don’t mind, Commander. I quite like my dress and it would be a shame to dirty it.”

“Fine,” Shepard conceded, making no effort to get her gun back. “No guarantees you won’t see some cases of foot-up-the-ass, though.”

Chakwas tried and failed to suppress a smile. “I suppose that’s fair enough.”

“I’ll be back. Miranda, you’re in charge. Come up with something to tell everyone,” Shepard commanded as she headed back for the door.

“What am I supposed to tell them? I don’t even know what’s going on,” Miranda protested.

Shepard was already gone.

 

“Shepard?” Garrus called.

“Yeah?” Shepard called back. She was in her closet in their apartment, half buried in what seemed like every article of clothing she owned. The dress she was looking for – a short, slinky thing Miranda had given her as a joke – was apparently hiding, but Shepard wasn’t giving up until she found it. This was her last night before she was a married woman, and she’d be damned if she didn’t make sure it ended with a bang.

“I made reservations for dinner,” Garrus’s voice grew louder as he headed towards the stairs that led up to their bedroom. “They’re in an hour and a half at that sushi place.”

“Maybe this time no one will shoot at me,” Shepard replied dryly.

“Damn straight. Once they heard your name I had to spend 45 minutes convincing the hostess to let me make the damn reservation,” Garrus agreed.

Shepard laughed as she tossed some more clothes to the side. “They should consider that mess free publicity.”

“The fish that died would beg to differ,” Garrus teased.

“Hey, I love fish. Just ask mine on the Normandy,” Shepard scowled back.

“This generation of them,” Garrus quipped. “All the ones you forgot to feed, not so much.”

Shepard finally found her dress, snatching it up and heading back into their room. She snapped, “Maybe if I had a better sniper who helped me finish my missions faster, I would’ve gotten to feed them before they died.”

Garrus rounded the corner into their room, protesting, “Or maybe the Alliance needs to train its soldiers to hit things.”

He opened his mouth to add another dig at Shepard when he caught sight of the dress she was holding. Any and all clever retorts vanished, leaving him just enough brainpower to manage to purr, “Mmm.”

Shepard looked down, remembered she was holding the dress, and laughed. “If you want to see me in this, no more comments about the sushi place incident.”

“Bring that on our honeymoon and I’ll never mention fish around you again,” Garrus replied. Shepard laughed again.

“I’m going to shower before dinner,” Shepard announced. She noticed the look in Garrus’s eyes and protested, “No, you can’t join me. I need to get clean, not even dirtier.”

Garrus made a show of mock disappointment, so Shepard teased, “That’s for after dinner. Try not to get in trouble until I’m cleaned up, okay?”

“Me, get in trouble? Never,” Garrus replied, jokingly solemn.

Shepard snorted and headed into the bathroom, so Garrus headed back downstairs. He had just sat down on the couch, turning on the news, when there was a heavy knock at the door.

Garrus sighed – both at the visitors and the shrill voice on the television proclaiming, “Khalisa Bint Sinan Al-Jilani for Westerlund News…” – and got up to answer the door.

He wasn’t entirely sure what he was expecting – maybe their neighbors inviting them to play Skyllian Five again, or yet another goddamn reporter asking for an interview about the war that ended three years ago – but he was sure he wasn’t expecting the sight that met his eyes.

It seemed like half the crew of the Normandy had squeezed themselves into the narrow hallway outside Shepard and Garrus’s apartment – well, the male half of the crew. Wrex’s massive form blocked most of Garrus’s view, but he could see Zaeed and Jacob and even caught a glance of Javik’s distinct armor, and he could hear Grunt’s almost-menacing laugh.

“Hey, Garrus,” Cortez greeted, nearly pinned against the wall due to Wrex’s sheer size.

“Let me guess. More Reapers? Or is it Cerberus this time?” Garrus sighed.

“Man, Joker wasn’t kidding – you really do have a stick up your butt all the time,” James laughed from the back of the pack. “Come on, _ñero_ , haven’t you ever heard of a bachelor party?”

“What?” Garrus asked, caught off-guard.

“It’s a human tradition. When one of your friends is getting married, you all go out and have a party,” Cortez explained.

“I know what it is,” Garrus tried not to scowl. Miranda had told him that she was planning something along those lines for Shepard, but had refused to give him information regarding it – despite swearing him to secrecy, under pain of some kind of horrible death. “What does it have to do with anything?”

“The ladies are throwing Shepard a bachelorette party, so you’re getting a bachelor party,” Joker’s voice said from somewhere behind Wrex.

“Hold on a second,” Garrus protested. “Don’t I get a say in this?”

“Nope,” Grunt rumbled.

“Shepard and I have dinner reservations,” Garrus continued to protest, taking a step back into the apartment.

“She’ll forgive you,” Cortez assured him.

“You’re a lot more confident than I think you should be,” Garrus replied skeptically.

“Enough complaining,” Wrex grumbled. “Grow a quad, Vakarian.”

With that, the krogan yanked Garrus out of the apartment despite his vigorous protests, pulling him along after the rest of the group.

The door had barely closed before Shepard came out of the bathroom, still wrapped in a towel. She called, “Garrus? I thought I heard arguing – are you watching Blasto _again_?”

She came up short as she reached the balcony, noticing the distinct lack of her turian fiancé. Shepard called again, “Garrus?”

When she received no answer, she frowned, puzzled.

 

Shepard was quite the sight walking into a C-Sec office in her wedding dress, her hair done up in curls and the wings on her eyeliner sharp enough to kill a man. The officers on duty stared at her, bewildered.

“I’m looking for Officer T’Rost,” she announced. The officers, intimidated, practically raced each other to point at an asari with pale blue markings on her face.

“I’m Riala T’Rost,” the asari said, scowling at her fellow officers. “You are?”

“Commander Shepard,” Shepard offered curtly.

“Ah. I was, uh…expecting more guns and less lace,” T’Rost replied awkwardly.

“It’s best for everyone that I don’t have my guns,” Shepard scowled. “You said you had some prisoners who know me?”

“They claim to, anyway, and they all seemed very certain you’d bail them out,” T’Rost nodded. “If I’ve heard ‘I know Commander Shepard’ once, I’ve heard it a million times, but they _all_ insisted, so I was inclined to believe them. It’s, uh…two krogan, a turian, five humans, and…ah…”

“A prothean,” Shepard finished. “Can I see them?”

“Of course, ma’am. You’ll have to forgive me, though – policy says a guest can only visit one inmate a day. If you wanted to talk to more than one of your friends, you’d have to come back tomorrow,” T’Rost nodded.

“No worries. I only need to talk to the turian,” Shepard scowled. It might be their wedding day, but she was about to tear Garrus a new one.

“Right this way, ma’am,” T’Rost said, getting up from her desk. She led the way down a floor and through some hallways before the pair came to a stop in front of a large cell. It was empty except for the turian collapsed in a heap on the ground.

“Well, here you are,” T’Rost gestured awkwardly. “Do you want me to stay, or, uh…?”

“I can find my way back. I’ll be fine,” Shepard shook her head.

T’Rost nodded once, heading back the way they had come. As soon as the asari was around the corner, Shepard lifted her hand to her mouth, letting out an ear-piercing whistle.

The lump of turian stirred, groaning something incoherent. Shepard crossed her arms and commented, “Good, you’re alive.”

“Shepard?” Garrus asked groggily, trying to sit up and quickly giving up.

“I’m looking for my fiancé. Have you seen him?” Shepard practically growled. “He bailed on our dinner plans. Now he’s late to our wedding and he’s about to have my foot up his bony ass.”

“Look, I can explain,” Garrus managed, rubbing his face.

Shepard laughed, more than a little bitter. “I can’t wait to hear this.”

“You were showering,” Garrus began. “I was…watching the news, and heard a knock at the door.”

“Let me guess,” Shepard cut him off. She offered sarcastically, “A rogue Cerberus operative? A Reaper?”

Garrus sighed. “Your crew. The boys insisted on taking me out for a bachelor party.”

“We had plans,” Shepard scowled petulantly.

“Yeah, I know. I made those plans, remember?” Garrus scowled right back. “I told them I wasn’t interested, but there’s not much arguing you can do when a very large krogan is dragging you outside.”

“Okay, fine. Surprise bachelor party,” Shepard grudgingly conceded. “Jail, though?”

Garrus laughed. “With your crew, Shepard, be glad no one died.”

He paused. “Well, I don’t think anyone did.”

“What the _fuck_ does that mean?” Shepard demanded, angry once more.

“It means I don’t remember most of last night, but it was a hell of a party,” Garrus replied. “Things, uh…happened.”

“Explain,” Shepard prompted.

Garrus sighed heavily. “Like I said, I don’t remember most of it.”

When Shepard’s silence indicated that wasn’t a good enough answer, Garrus sighed again. “Alright. I’ll try. We went to Aria’s new club, not too far from our apartment.”

 

“I’m still not sure about this,” Garrus commented as the group looked over the bar. “I was looking forward to that dinner with Shepard.”

“Relax!” Joker insisted, shoving a shot glass into Garrus’s hand. “You’ve got a whole marriage worth of dinners together. Enjoy a night out once in a while!”

Garrus disagreed with the reasoning – after almost losing Shepard so many times during the war, any time with her was precious. Then again, the bad turian part of him insisted that Shepard would want him to enjoy himself. He examined the purple liquor in his hand for another moment before dutifully tossing back the shot.

“There we go,” Cortez laughed in approval. He motioned to James, who was flirting with the asari bartender, to bring over more drinks.

Most of the rest of the group followed Garrus’s example, taking their first round of shots, save Joker, who was idly turning his shotglass around. Garrus teased, “I thought we were supposed to enjoy a night out?”

“Yeah, well…I read some article a little while back about how alcohol can make Vrolik Syndrome worse,” Joker shrugged unconvincingly.

Wrex laughed boisterously. “Your female got you on a short leash?”

“No!” Joker protested. He stopped and mumbled under his breath, “Maybe…”

“Wrex would know about that,” Grunt added with a chuckle. Without hesitation, Wrex turned and headbutted Grunt, knocking him off his chair. Though it took the younger krogan a long time to get back up, he added from the floor, “You’d think his female was his battlemaster, with how she’s in charge. ‘Specially now that they have kids.”

“Aww, Wrex, you settling down? Never thought I’d see that,” Kaidan teased.

“ _Dios mio_ , do you all have to be so boring?” James scowled, bringing over a tray stacked impressively high with shots. “Talk about settling down tomorrow. Tonight, we party!”

He passed around shots for everyone; Joker quickly rallied his courage, downed the first shot, and accepted the second. Garrus examined his shot glass more warily, commenting dryly, “If I’m being forced to have a bachelor party, I’d like to remember it.”

“Oh, grow a quad,” Wrex huffed. “There’s an old krogan tradition we’re going to do tonight, and we’ll be here all night if we don’t get started.”

“Do I want to know?” Garrus asked, regarding the liquor in his glass – this time neon orange – suspiciously.

“The guy getting married takes a shot for every five years he wants him and his wife to be together,” Wrex explained. “We’ll make it years for you, since your lifespans are so short.”

“Jesus fuckin’ Christ,” Zaeed said, sounding almost awed. “That’s a lot of alcohol.”

“Not all of us have redundant organs, Wrex,” Garrus shook his head.

“Afraid you will not reach the Commander’s record?” Javik taunted. Garrus couldn’t help but marvel at how serious the prothean sounded all the damn time, even when he was trying to joke around. “I believe it is an impressive number.”

“What was it, twenty shots?” Kaidan agreed.

“Twenty-five,” Jacob corrected. “She lost me at fifteen, and I had the only hangover of my life the next day.”

_Damn my turian pride_ , Garrus thought sourly as he downed the shot James had just passed him and accepted the one Cortez was offering. No one called a Vakarian a coward. Even if that meant said Vakarian was going to have a hell of a hangover.

 

Shepard sighed. “You’re all in jail because you couldn’t resist the challenge to have a pissing contest?”

“What?” Garrus asked, confused.

“Human expression. You just _had_ to prove yourself to be the bigger man, didn’t you?” Shepard clarified.

“Never would’ve heard the end of it otherwise,” Garrus confirmed. “Look, Shepard, I’m sorry…”

“You don’t get to apologize until I’ve heard the rest of the story,” Shepard cut him off. “I find it hard to believe you wound up in jail because you got too ambitious with your shots.”

Garrus laughed darkly. “Oh, no. That was just the warmup.”

 

“And…and Shepard was just so excited. ‘Not a scratch on the Mako! Kiss my ass!’ ” Garrus was practically giggling at this point. “Except Tali was upside down on the floor and Wrex had to get out and puke his guts up.”

“Don’t remind me,” Wrex grumbled. “I’d rather fight a Thresher Maw than sit in a Mako with Shepard again.”

“Enough fuckin’ stories about Shepard,” Zaeed grumbled. “This is a goddamn bachelor party. Where the hell are the strippers?”

Cortez sighed, hanging his head. “Shit. I knew I forgot something.”

“Kind of a big thing to forget, Esteban,” James shook his head.

“Not exactly a big priority in my mind,” Cortez scowled. “It’s a club. There’ve got to be some around somewhere.”

“It’s fine, really,” Garrus hiccupped, intently staring at the shot he was holding. If he could keep it down, it would make number twenty-seven – there was no way Shepard could top that record. “Never really been a big fan of asari strippers.”

“Well, the rest of us _do_ have sex drives, so we’re gonna find some,” Zaeed grumbled, getting up to go look for some dancers.

Garrus took the shot and shook his head against the sting. He practically shouted at Zaeed as he walked away, “You can accuse me of a lot of things, but not that! Just ask Shepard.”

Jacob snorted into his beer. “Do you still call her Shepard in bed?”

Garrus tried to manage a retort, but Wrex chuckled instead, “Probably calls her Commander.”

“Look here,” Garrus started to protest, swaying slightly. He stopped, though, seeing the exchange going on between Zaeed and an asari.

It was obvious what Zaeed was saying, and the asari didn’t look particularly enthused. If anything, she looked _pissed_. The conversation quickly devolved into an argument. As he watched the argument continue, something slowly clicked into place in his mind – he knew the markings on the asari’s face.

“Oh, shit,” he breathed. He raised his voice so it was audible and said urgently, “Guys, that’s Aria. Zaeed mistook Aria for a stripper.”

“Oh, she looks _pissed_ ,” Joker agreed unhelpfully, looking over at the pair.

They all watched as Aria called for someone. When a group of heavily armed krogan came clomping down the stairs, the severity of the situation finally made its way into their alcohol-muddled minds.

“Is…is she…” Cortez sputtered as more mercs came down other sets of stairs.

“Yeah, she called her mercs on us,” Wrex agreed blithely.

“Looks like it’s time to go,” Jacob said urgently. “C’mon, go!”

Grunt threw Joker over his shoulder so the pilot wouldn’t have to run, laughing, “ _Finally_ , things are getting fun!”

The group bolted out of the club and onto the Silversun Strip, Aria’s mercs hot on their heels.

 

“You pissed off _Aria?_ ” Shepard repeated incredulously.

“ _Zaeed_. _Zaeed_ pissed off Aria,” Garrus clarified forcefully. “I’m never going anywhere with him again.”

“You should’ve known something like that would happen,” Shepard couldn’t help but chuckle. “It’s Zaeed.”

“Now I know,” Garrus sighed. “Everything was going fine until that happened. Then, all of a sudden, we had Blood Pack, Eclipse, and Blue Suns mercs after us.”

“Seeing as no one died, I’m assuming you got away,” Shepard said.

“Something like that,” Garrus replied vaguely. “It was…quite the escape.”

 

“What the fuck do we do now?” James demanded as they all dove for cover. The mercs opened fire with abandon, causing a massive amount of collateral damage while still missing the group. “We don’t have any weapons! Unless Kaidan and Jacob can biotic our way out of here, _estamos jodidos_!”

“I thought you said physical training was just as good at biotics?” Kaidan countered, peeking out of his cover just long enough to send a biotic blast at the mercenaries.

“Guys, can we focus on not dying first?” Joker cut in as James took a breath to argue. “I don’t know about you, but I think not dying is great.”

“We need weapons,” Javik agreed.

“Only cowards rely on weapons,” Grunt countered. “I’ll rip them limb from limb with my bare hands.”

Garrus sighed. If he had gone with Shepard to dinner, they’d be back at their apartment now, relaxing. That, or engaging in…physical activity. Regardless, something far less stressful than being shot at.

As much as he’d rather be _anywhere_ else, Garrus assumed his usual command, cutting into his friends’ argument with, “The Armax building is nearby. If we can get there, they have weapons.”

“Those are just glorified laser pointers,” Zaeed scowled. “We need real guns, not laser tag.”

“Of the two of us, one of us lives here, and one of us got us into this mess. Whose word are we going to trust?” Garrus snapped back.

Zaeed grumbled expletives under his breath but made no further attempt to argue. Jacob called from his cover, “I can put up a barrier so we can make a break for it. You better run, though – I can’t keep a barrier this big up for long!”

Garrus led the way, bolting out from behind the skycar he’d been using as cover and heading towards the faintly visible ‘ARMAX ARSENAL’ sign in the distance.

Mercifully, the krogan mercs managed to be even slower than the drunken friends, giving the crew enough time to catch their breaths once they reached the Armax building.

“It shouldn’t take me long to get the door open,” Garrus said, pulling out his omni-tool. He could barely focus his eyes enough to read the display at this point, but he wasn’t going to admit that.

“It’ll take too long,” Wrex countered. “Grunt.”

Grunt chuckled in the way that told Garrus something was about to go horribly, horribly wrong, and charged at the window. It shattered, setting off a deafening alarm and flashing lights.

“Well, fuck,” Zaeed commented simply.

“We have a little bit of time before C-Sec’ll get here,” Cortez said. “Let’s grab what we need and get out of here. Our cars are over by Shepard’s apartment; I can see them from here. We should be able to get there before they get here.”

A few more windows were sacrificed for their cause before the group had scrounged enough weapons to put up a fair fight. Somehow Garrus had gotten the short end of the stick, winding up with a shitty pistol and nothing else, but at this point he was willing to accept a stick so long as he wasn’t fighting a krogan barehanded.

“Guys, we’ve got company,” Joker, who was serving as the lookout, called.

“This isn’t what I was expecting to do tonight, but hey, let’s go do this,” Kaidan said, taking the safety off his SMG and leading the way back outside. The others eagerly followed.

Garrus sighed heavily, grumbling, “I’m never going anywhere with any of you again,” and following.

There wasn’t much in the way of cover outside the building, but group made due with the various benches, short walls, and electronic displays. It was only a matter of waiting for the krogan mercs to get close enough to hit – the group all knew none of them were in a state to try sniping. The last thing they needed was to shoot, miss, and provoke a krogan’s blood rage. That left them sitting and waiting, something none of them were particularly good at, even sober.

It was, of course, Grunt that finally broke from this plan.

“What are we waiting for?” Grunt demanded as the group waited, watching the mercs approach.

“A good shot,” Javik replied simply.

“Where’s the fun in that?” Grunt countered, standing up out of his cover and raising his comically small assault rifle.

“Wait, Grunt, no!” Jacob cried, trying to grab for the krogan’s gun.

Grunt shook him off, opening fire on the approaching krogan. One of them staggered and fell, causing his comrades to let out angry roars and charge.

“Now _this_ is a party!” Grunt crowed, practically giggling with glee.

Cortez sighed, looking at Garrus. “If I ever want to invite a pair of krogan anywhere again, just remind me of this.”

“Duly noted,” Garrus agreed dryly, standing up to fire at the charging krogan.

Considering their lack of cover, sobriety, and quality weapons, the motley little crew held up well against the mercs. Kaidan took out the largest krogan, giving most of them an opening to bolt to the cars. Garrus grabbed Joker and ran for it, Kaidan, Jacob, and Javik close behind.

There was a deafening _boom_ behind them; the small group turned just in time to watch a rocket fly past them and hit one of the skycars, blowing it into the air. The flaming wreckage of the car landed on their other two cars, leaving all three destroyed and on fire. The four turned to look at the rocket’s source, concerned, and found their second krogan to be the problem.

Wrex had clearly been struggling with one of the mercs, who was now collapsed at his feet. He was holding the rocket launcher he’d stolen like a club, looking confused but also childishly pleased with himself.

“Wrex, what the fuck?” Kaidan demanded.

“Must’ve gone off when I hit him,” Wrex shrugged. “Well, it fixed the problem.”

“Now we have no transportation. How is this not a problem?” Javik scowled.

 

“Wait, hold on. You blew up a car?” Shepard asked. “Shit, I thought fighting with mercs was bad enough.”

“Three cars, actually. But yeah, we might have done a lot more than that,” Garrus admitted awkwardly. “The cars were not our finest moment.”

“It doesn’t sound like you had anything resembling a finest moment last night,” Shepard commented.

“I don’t know, the cheers we got during our marathon of shots were pretty great,” Garrus shrugged.

“I’m surprised you didn’t have C-Sec up your asses the second that rocket launcher went off,” Shepard went on, unwilling to dignify his comment with a response.

“The very second? No. But don’t forget Armax has a state-of-the-art security system. You’d think the Illusive Man was there, with how many officers they sent,” Garrus grumbled. “I’ve never seen so many officers actually doing anything in my life.”

 

“Now what the hell do we do?” Zaeed asked.

“We gotta get out of here before C-Sec gets here,” Joker insisted.

“Too late,” Javik countered, pointing up. Three skycars hovered above them, lights flashing.

“Well, fuck,” Jacob sighed.

“Think we can outrun them?” Wrex rumbled.

“Not a chance,” Cortez said. “We’ve gotta get a car.”

“How many do we need?” Garrus asked.

“Three, two if we really push it,” Joker replied.

“C-Sec just brought us three cars,” Grunt commented. “We just need to get them.”

“We are not stealing C-Sec patrol cars. We’re already in enough trouble as it is,” Cortez protested.

“Yeah, but just imagine how much _more_ trouble we’ll be in if Shepard has to bail us out,” Kaidan pointed out. “Not exactly something a bride wants to do on her wedding day.”

“Fuck,” Garrus agreed weakly. “I think I’d rather fight a Reaper single-handedly.”

“Put your weapons down,” came a voice from a speaker on one of the skycars.

“Well, decision time,” Jacob said, turning to Garrus. “Your party. What do you want to do?”

“I wanted to stay home,” Garrus scowled petulantly.

“No time to argue,” Javik scolded, raising his rifle and shooting at one of the cars.

“I don’t about in your cycle, but in ours, shooting at cops is generally frowned upon!” Joker yelled.

All three of the skycars started to land. James crowed, “Well, this’ll be an adventure, right, _chicos?_ ”

The C-Sec officers started piling out of their skycars, guns at the ready. The two groups stood in an awkward standoff for a moment before Jacob said, “I don’t know about you all, but I really don’t want to ask Shepard to bail us out of jail.”

With this, he let out a biotic blast, knocking the C-Sec officers off their feet and away from their skycars. Joker – with help from Kaidan and Cortez – hurried over to the unguarded cars. Each man climbed into the driver’s seat of one of the cars, waiting until they were all ready before Cortez called, “C’mon! Get in!”

Their friends’ reactions were faster than that of the C-Sec officers, giving them just enough time to scramble into the waiting patrol cars before the officers got back to their feet. The quickest of the officers let out an angry yell, trying to chase after the cars as they took off, but the cars quickly zoomed off to safety.

“Ho-ly _shit!_ ” Joker laughed into the comm that connected his skycar to the other two. “That was awesome!”

“Fighting mercs, attacking cops, stealing cars…maybe we’ll make decent krogan out of you all after all,” Wrex agreed approvingly.

 

“So…not only did you fight with mercs, not only did you break into Armax, not only did you blow up _your own_ cars, but you stole C-Sec patrol cars too?” Shepard asked. Though she was trying her best to hide it, there was a note of pride and admiration in her voice.

“As far as I remember,” Garrus confirmed. “It was a hell of a night.”

“So they caught you all for stealing the cars?” Shepard went on. “After all the shit you pulled, that seems a pretty lame thing to get arrested for. 

“Shepard, I’m offended. I thought you had faith in me,” Garrus replied with mock hurt. “No, we got away with the cars. We got arrested for nothing nearly as interesting.”

 

“Wooooo-hooooo!” James laughed as the three cars sped off, the C-Sec officers shooting uselessly into the air. “This is the best fuckin’ bachelor party I’ve ever been to!”

“Damn straight,” Kaidan agreed. “Garrus, where do you want to go now?”

“Somewhere with alcohol,” Garrus mumbled, rubbing his head. The gunfire had given him the beginnings of a headache. “I need a stiff drink.”

“You got it,” Cortez agreed. “There’s that club in the Presidium we all went to during the war. Should be far enough from this mess to throw C-Sec for a while.”

The three drivers made quickly for the Presidium, wanting to get away from the Silversun Strip and the horde of C-Sec officers looking for them. When they were in the Presidium, Cortez said over the comm, “We’re almost there, guys. Look out for a sign for Purgatory. Should be on our right.”

“You got it, boss,” Joker agreed.

“Hey, I think I see it,” Kaidan commented. “I’m going to swing clos…oh, fuck.”

Garrus peered out the window to look at Kaidan’s car; it had made a sharp dive down and, as Garrus watched, crashed into a bridge. It skidded on the top of the bridge for a moment, screeching to a stop.

Garrus sighed. “Joker, we need to make a pit stop.”

“Gotta pee?” Joker teased.

“Kaidan crashed,” Wrex grumbled, having also noticed the commotion. “Should probably check on them.”

Joker opened his mouth to make a witty comment, failed to think of one, and simply turned the car around to head down to the bridge. By the time they landed, Cortez’s car was already there and Kaidan and his passengers were stumbling out of the smoking wreck of their car.

“You guys okay?” Cortez called.

“We’d be better if Kaidan could drive,” Jacob scowled.

“Sorry, guys. That last drink must’ve hit me harder than I thought,” Kaidan said, rubbing his forehead.

“Well, let’s get everybody in the two cars we still have before C-Sec finds us,” Zaeed grumbled.

“Wait, hold on,” Garrus said, looking around.

“We have no time for waiting,” Javik scowled.

“No, wait,” Garrus insisted. “I’ve been here before.”

“The Citadel? Well, yeah,” Grunt chuckled.

“This bridge,” Garrus said. “During the war, Shepard and I came up here and shot at some cans to blow off some steam.”

“You guys have a weird idea of cute dates,” Jacob commented.

“In my cycle, we wanted our women to show their strength,” Javik said.

“Yeah, yeah, in your cycle,” Zaeed grumbled. “Let’s get going before we get arrested.”

“Hold on,” Garrus insisted again. “It’s my bachelor party. I get a say, right?”

“A say in what?” Cortez asked.

“We’ve run far enough from C-Sec for now,” Garrus replied. “We should be fine for a while. Let’s hang out here, shoot some cans. In honor of me and Shepard.”

“Don’t get sentimental on us now, Garrus,” Joker teased. “Here I was just starting to think you were some big tough guy again, and then you bust out the romance novel.”

“Oh, shut up,” Garrus growled. “There’s gotta be some trash in the cars. C’mon, let’s take some pot shots.”

Grudgingly at first, Garrus’s friends went to dig cans and other miscellaneous, makeshift targets from their stolen cars. Garrus accepted one of the cans Wrex was holding out, turned to Cortez, and said, “You’re the best man, Cortez. You planned this whole debacle – you get the first shot.”

Cortez laughed, raising his gun. Garrus threw the can as far as he could, launching it out over the canal, and Cortez took a shot. He missed, watching forlornly as the can dropped down to the water below.

James chuckled. “There’s a reason you’re the pilot, Esteban." 

Cortez laughed as well, admitting, “Yeah, I know. Garrus, your go.”

He picked up another crumpled can and threw it, barely giving Garrus time to raise his pistol and shoot before it started to fall. A high-pitched metallic _ping_ echoed through the corridor as evidence of Garrus’s hit.

The turian crowed in triumph, exclaiming, “Gentlemen, the sniper who out-shot Commander Shepard!”

“Oh, get off your high horse, turian,” Zaeed scowled, pushing his way through the crowd to stand beside Garrus. “My turn.”

The group clamored to claim the next spot in line, pushing and shoving to get to take their potshot.

 

“You went back to that bridge?” Shepard asked, touched.

“It was coincidence, really,” Garrus admitted. “Kaidan just happened to crash on it. But I knew it as soon as I saw it.”

Despite herself and all her previous anger, Shepard smiled. “We should go back there sometime. That was probably the only good day I had in that whole damn war.”

Garrus smiled back. “Damn straight. I’ll never forget beating the great Commander Shepard in a shootout.”

Shepard laughed, not willing to admit to him she lost on purpose. She went on, “So, who won the shooting contest?”

“Well…uh,” Garrus paused, unsure. “Javik was winning, but, uh…”

“Uh?” Shepard prompted, all her warm fuzzy feelings evaporating.

“Well, C-Sec crashed the party. Again,” Garrus said awkwardly.

Shepard sighed. “What happened this time?”

 

Wrex picked up a can, crushed it into a ball, and threw it as far as he could. James hiccupped, set his firing stance, and fired, splitting the ball in half.

The krogan roared in approval, clapping James on the back. “Looks like the Alliance finally taught its soldiers to shoot!”

James opened his mouth to protest when Cortez cut in with, “Do you guys hear that?”

The group paused, listening intently, before the sound of sirens became audible. Zaeed spat, “You’ve gotta be fuckin’ kidding me! How’d they find us so fast?”

“The gunshots probably gave it away,” Joker commented dryly.

“I’m tired of running,” Grunt grumbled. “Let’s just stand here and fight.”

“Let’s not,” Jacob shook his head. “There’s no cover and nowhere to run. We’d be siting ducks.”

“More fun that way,” Wrex shrugged. “You need to grow a quad. All of you do! Where’s your battle rage?”

“I’m more interested in staying in one piece for my wedding,” Garrus deadpanned. “If that makes me a coward, then I’ll happily be one.”

Javik rolled his eyes. “You should _never_ accept such dishonor.”

“Damn, you _chicos_ talk too much. We gonna run, or we gonna fight? Pretty soon, we’re not gonna have that first option left,” James commented.

“Yeahhhh….we don’t have it anymore,” Joker said. The others turned to see what he was pointing at – a horde of C-Sec cars was zooming towards them.

“Fuck,” Garrus sighed, rubbing his forehead. “Well, round three. Let’s go.”

“Round two,” Grunt shook his head. “Those mercs didn’t count.”

“I think our first set of cars would beg to differ,” Jacob chuckled.

The C-Sec cars landed at the far side of the bridge, sirens blaring. Feedback crackled from a loudspeaker attached to one of the cars, booming, “You’ve caused enough trouble. Surrender peacefully, and your sentences will be lenient.”

“I’m more worried about my fiancée being lenient,” Garrus joked darkly.

“You’ll have to kill us first!” Grunt yelled back at the officers.

“He’s just kidding!” Joker called frantically. “No dying here!”

“You do need to grow a quad or two,” Grunt scowled. He raised his voice again, challenging, “Come out and face us, you scrawny pyjacks!”

Through the car loudspeaker, the group could hear a grumbled, “Okay, I’m sick of this. Let’s fuck their shit up.”

The door to one of the cars opened and several angry-looking C-Sec agents piled out, their guns at the ready. The lead agent yelled, “This is your last chance, assholes! Turn yourselves in or get turned into target practice!”

“If we promise to behave, can we go?” Kaidan asked, almost sheepishly.

“No,” the officer scowled.

Wrex started chuckling, so Jacob commented, “Sorry about this in advance, guys.”

He sent a biotic shockwave at the officers, knocking them backwards. The group made a frantic dash for their cars before the officers could regroup, but the officers were faster than they expected. Shots ricocheted off the bridge as they ran, narrowly missing the fleeing group.

Joker and Cortez hopped into the driver’s seats of the remaining two cars, starting their engines as the rest of their friends scrambled towards them. The two krogan provided cover fire as their companions squeezed into the cars. When Zaeed finally fit himself into a car, he growled, “Come on, you overgrown lizards, get in!”

Wrex obeyed, somehow fitting into Joker’s car. Grunt, though, was not so easily persuaded, continuing to shoot at the officers. Wrex snarled, “Get in the car, idiot!”

Grunt shot off one more clip before shoving himself into Cortez’s car. As the two cars strained to take off, Grunt looked out at the chaos they’d left behind and chuckled. “Heh heh. I got one of them.”

“You did what?” Cortez demanded.

“He’s not dead, calm down,” Grunt waved him off. “Just got him in the shoulder.”

“You _shot_ a _C-Sec officer_?” Kaidan repeated incredulously. “If Shepard finds out, she’s going to be pissed.”

“Well, she won’t find out then,” Grunt chuckled simply.

 

“Well, I found out,” Shepard scowled, crossing her arms. “That’s probably what pissed that officer off so much. People don’t tend to take kindly to people shooting their teammates.”

“Maybe. Or, it might’ve been James trying to flirt with her,” Garrus shrugged.

Shepard opened her mouth, a retort at the ready, before what Garrus had said caught up with her. “Wait. I’m not sure I follow.”

“We made it to Purgatory, somehow,” Garrus explained. “It was packed in there, so we thought it would be a good place to lay low and wait for C-Sec to give up.”

“Garrus, you were in C-Sec. You should’ve known they don’t give up,” Shepard scowled.

“They almost did,” Garrus countered. “They would’ve, if James wasn’t a dumbass.”

“That’s the second time you’ve referenced that,” Shepard observed, intrigued. “Do tell, how is this James’s fault?”

“You’re not going to believe it,” Garrus shook his head.

Shepard crossed her arms, fixing Garrus with an unamused glare. He sighed, “Okay, fine. I’ll tell you – but when you say you don’t believe me, I’m just going to say ‘I told you so.’”

 

“Good call, coming to Purgatory,” Garrus said to Cortez. The two had already had ten shots between them – seven for Garrus, three for Cortez – hoping to get back to a point where they could just forget the events of the night.

“Yeah. Sorry this has been such a colossal clusterfuck, Garrus,” Cortez sighed. “I mean, I figured somebody would do something stupid, but _Christ_.”

Garrus laughed. “You’re fine. Honestly, I’d have been surprised if the cops didn’t get called at one point, knowing all of us.”

“Well, yeah. I just didn’t think we’d spend all night running from them,” Cortez agreed sullenly.

“Looks like things have calmed down now,” Garrus reassured him. “We’re in a bar, we’re getting drinks, and I think we lost C-Sec. It’s just a normal bachelor party now…or at least whatever normal passes for with us.”

This finally elicited a chuckle out of Cortez. “You’re right. Thanks.”

“Shepard says I’m good at calming people down, when I actually listen to them,” Garrus smiled. “Let’s get another drink.”

Cortez nodded; the two got up from the table they’d taken refuge at. Out of habit, Garrus scanned the club, looking for both his friends and any potential enemies. Joker, Zaeed, and Kaidan were at another table, Wrex and Grunt were in the corner, trying to out-drink each other, and Javik and Jacob were at the bar getting more drinks.

James. Where was he?

Garrus, alarmed, looked around for him before he caught the distinct sound of the huge Marine’s laugh. He followed the sound to the source – James was at the opposite end of the bar from Javik and Jacob, flexing and grinning for an asari.

“Biotics are great and all, _chica_ , but these guns helped take down the Reapers!” James boasted. The asari rolled her eyes but laughed anyway.

“I’m sure your, uh, _guns_ sure did a lot against the Reapers. Never mind Shepard’s Crucible or anything like that,” the asari teased.

“Damn straight,” James agreed, too drunk to pick up on her obvious sarcasm. “You want a ticket to this gun show, _bonita_? You’re so pretty I’ll give you one for free.”

The asari burst into laughter, prompting James to ask, “What? What’s so funny?”

“You are, gun boy. Sure, show me this gun show,” she replied, still giggling.

James’s face split into a broad smile, which quickly faded when a distinct accented voice commented, “What would the asari know about weapons?”

Javik was standing there, leaning heavily against the bar. James took a breath, ready to tell him off, when the asari spat, “Ex- _cuse_ me?”

Garrus sighed. If they all survived this absurd night out, he was going to murder Javik. Before he could head over to try to fix the situation, Jacob was there, leaning heavily on Javik.

“Sorry about that, ma’am. He wasn’t trying to be rude. He’s just…not very tactful. Ever,” Jacob said.

The asari crossed her arms, not buying it. “If he wasn’t trying to be rude, then what the hell _was_ he trying to say?”

Javik opened his mouth but Jacob stomped on his foot to shut him up. Jacob replied quickly, “Well, uh…he, uh…he just meant that you’re so beautiful and, uh, graceful that…er, what would you know about violence and all of that?”

This was clearly the exact wrong thing to say, as the asari’s skeptical look twisted into one of pure anger. She snarled, “ _Everyone_ says that about my people but we’re better soldiers than just about any other race in the galaxy!”

As she continued berating Jacob, Javik, and James, Garrus turned to Cortez and sighed, “I’m going to go smooth this over before anything else happens.”

“Probably a good idea,” Cortez agreed. “I’ll get you a drink.”

Garrus headed over the small group, where James was trying (in vain) to calm the asari down. When she paused, taking a breath to start another round, he asked as commandingly as he could, “What seems to be the problem, miss?”

She whirled to face him, startled. After a moment she explained, calmer but still cross, “I was enjoying a perfectly nice time flirting and then _these_ assholes showed up and started insulting me. They said –”

“I heard what they said,” Garrus nodded, shooting a glare at Jacob and Javik. “But they certainly didn’t mean to insult you. They just suck at compliments. Don’t you think you might be overreacting a little?”

Immediately, Garrus knew he had royally fucked up.

“You _all_ can go fuck yourselves!” the asari spat.

“Fuck, look, I didn’t mean that,” Garrus stammered. The bouncer in the corner was regarding them curiously, so he pleaded, “Look, we’re sorry. We’ll make it up to you. Just _please_ calm down, or they’re going to call C-Sec on us, and that, uh…that would be bad.”

“I _am_ C-Sec!” the asari snapped.

Garrus stared at her, terrified beyond belief by those four words. Oh, they were so, so, _so_ screwed. This was the end. If C-Sec didn’t up and kill them out of frustration from their antics, Shepard was sure going to.

The asari glowered at them for a moment before her expression changed to one of slight confusion. “Wait a sec. You guys look like the psychos C-Sec’s been chasing all night. You _are_ the psychos C-Sec’s after.”

Garrus’s stomach dropped to his feet. Yup, this was it. Maybe he should’ve given his parents one last call yesterday after all, because he was going to be dead before they arrived for his wedding.

“I was going to ignore it because gun boy here was cute, but fuck that. You guys are coming with me. _All_ of you. Even your friends over there in the corner. Yeah, I noticed,” the asari went on.

“Please, please, _please_ reconsider,” Jacob interjected, realizing what Garrus had – if Shepard got a call to bail them out, it was not going to be a good time.

“Should’ve thought of that before you insulted me,” the asari replied, smug. “We can do this the easy way or the hard way – there’s plenty of bouncers in here to back me up if you think you can run. Up to you.”

Cortez chose this moment to walk over, handing Garrus a shot. He asked, “You guys okay? You look like you saw a ghost.”

“Yeah, our ghosts,” Garrus replied weakly. “’Cause if we make it through a night in prison, Shepard’s gonna kill us in the morning.”

He tossed back the shot Cortez had handed him, wishing – yet again – that it was sake instead of vodka, and that instead of Purgatory, he was sitting in the sushi restaurant with Shepard.

 

“And there you have it. The full story – or at least as much as I can remember – of the worst goddamn bachelor party in the history of the galaxy,” Garrus said.

“We had less eventful missions during the war,” Shepard agreed. “I would’ve expected Cortez to plan a little bit better.”

“It wasn’t his fault,” Garrus shook his head. “He had a good plan…but plans don’t really mean much when you add two krogan, Zaeed, and Javik.”

“Fair enough,” Shepard shrugged. She paused and sighed. “You’re counting on me to bail you out, aren’t you?”

“I mean, only if you want to get married,” Garrus joked.

Shepard scowled at him. “I have half a mind to leave you all in here to teach you a lesson.”

“Shepard, darling, I love you, but…what’s the human expression? The pot calling the kettle black?” Garrus replied.

“Bullshit. I haven’t ever left a path of destruction like yours through the Citadel…” Shepard wilted under Garrus’s skeptical expression and amended, “…well, not unless I was trying to stop Ceberus. Or Sovereign…or my evil clone.”

“I’ll give you that. But you’ve done plenty of other crazy shit to rival last night,” Garrus replied. Shepard opened her mouth to protest, so he added, “Let’s not forget the Mako incident on Luna.”

She closed her mouth, glaring at him in lieu of a response. After a moment she said, “Let’s not forget who’s in the position to get you out of the mess. You don’t get to pull that crap.”

Garrus chuckled. “Yes, dear.”

Shepard sighed. “That said…you did try to get out of it. And most of the fuckups that landed you in here weren’t your fault. I’ll go bail you out.”

“If you want a wedding, you’re gonna have to get everybody else out, too,” Garrus countered. “Otherwise I won’t have any groomsmen, and you won’t have about half of your guests.”

Shepard said nothing, unwilling to concede that his point was valid. Garrus added, “They were just trying to give me a night I wouldn’t forget. They definitely succeeded…even if it was for interesting reasons.”

“Yeah, you’re right,” Shepard conceded. “I’ll go see what I can do.”

“I’ll be here,” Garrus replied. Shepard laughed.

The route back out of the holding cells and up to the lobby was much more confusing without Officer T’Rost; Shepard reluctantly admitted to herself that she should have asked the asari to stay with her.

Eventually, though, she found her way back to the entrance, where T’Rost and her men were waiting, bored.

“You were down there for a while,” T’Rost commented.

“There was a hell of a lot to hear about,” Shepard shrugged. “My boys had quite the night, it sounds like.”

“The accounts goons are working on calculating all the damage they caused. It’s probably in the hundreds of thousands of credits, at least, between all the goddamn cars they destroyed,” T’Rost scowled.

“Oh, believe me, they’ll pay for it,” Shepard promised. “They’re not getting off of this easily.”

T’Rost nodded approvingly. “Good. When they started going on about you bailing them out, I got concerned. I don’t like the thought of people getting out of trouble just because they’re famous or have a friend who is.”

Shepard sighed, realizing the next part of the conversation was going to get interesting. She began tentatively, “Well, uh…about that.”

Immediately T’Rost’s expression turned hostile. “Yes?”

“As I said, I don’t intend to let them get off scot-free. But…my wedding is this afternoon. And you’ve got my fiancé, his groomsmen, and a lot of my guests in jail. I am here to bail them out,” Shepard admitted.

“What?” T’Rost demanded, angry. “No, no way.”

“What?” Shepard asked, surprised.

“They caused _way_ too much damage and caused chaos all over the Citadel like it was their job. I’m not letting them out unpunished, no matter _who’s_ getting married!” T’Rost snapped.

“If I’m willing to pay their bail, you can’t do that!” Shepard argued petulantly.

“Yes, I can,” T’Rost scowled. “They’re public menaces.”

Shepard huffed, frustrated. “You forget they were on the crew that saved the galaxy. They’re not menaces.”

“They destroyed three cars, left carnage up and down the Silversun Strip, and shot one of my officers,” T’Rost countered.

“How is he?” Shepard asked.

“He’s fine. It was a minor injury,” T’Rost waved her off.

“Then everything’s fine. As I said, I _assure_ you that they’ll pay for the damage they caused,” Shepard said.

“Not so fast. Paying for everything is a good start, but they need to face the music, too. They committed a lot of crimes. Saving the galaxy doesn’t make them above the law,” T’Rost shook her head.

“Yes, I know that. I wasn’t trying to say that,” Shepard scowled. “I would just like to get married today.”

“Maybe your fiancé and his friends shouldn’t have wreaked havoc, then,” T’Rost snapped.

“I really didn’t want to have to do this, but you’re making me,” Shepard huffed, frustrated. “As a Spectre, I’m allowed to take them with me.”

“Nice try, Commander,” T’Rost looked _supremely_ annoyed. “For a mission, sure. But I’m not letting you pull Spectre status for a wedding, even if it is yours.”

Both impressed by T’Rost’s tenacity and annoyed by it, Shepard pulled up her omni-tool, quickly typing out and sending a message to an old friend. T’Rost watched her suspiciously but said nothing until her own omni-tool pinged.

She pulled up the call, answering it with, “Officer T’Rost.”

“T’Rost, it’s Bailey,” came a voice through her communicator.

“Commander,” T’Rost said, puzzled by the call. “What can I do for you?”

“I’m currently at a wedding that’s missing its bride and groom, and I’ve heard you might be responsible for that,” Bailey replied.

T’Rost glowered at Shepard, who smirked. If she was being honest with herself, Shepard felt guilty about having to wave her Spectre status in T’Rost’s face to get what she wanted. Then again, if she was being honest with herself, she had waited a long damn time for the right man to come along, and a hell of a long time for him to propose. She was more than ready to be married, and at this point, if that involved going around the law, then so be it.

“The groom and his friends blowing up three cars, stealing three patrol cars, and shooting one of my officers are what’s responsible for that,” T’Rost scowled.

“ _Riala_ ,” Bailey warned. “I know you’re all about cleaning up the Wards, and I appreciate that. But believe me, Shepard won’t let them get off scot-free.”

“Sir,” T’Rost insisted, pleading. “C-Sec is _just_ getting over its reputation of corruption. What kind of message is this going to send?”

“Riala, it’s Shepard. She saved our collective asses from the Reapers. I think, just this once, we can cut her and her crew some slack,” Bailey chuckled.

T’Rost paused, trying to come up with a counterargument. After a while she grumbled petulantly, “I don’t want to. They insulted me.”

“And I’m sure Shepard is going to make them give a hell of an apology,” Bailey said. “The poor woman’s been through enough. Let her have her goddamn wedding.”

T’Rost sighed. “Fine.”

“Good. Fix it,” Bailey replied. There was a click and the call ended.

T’Rost sighed again, turning towards one of her officers. “Go get them. We’re letting them go. Commander’s orders.”

“What?” the officer demanded.

“Just shut up and do it,” T’Rost snapped.

The officer bolted off to obey. T’Rost turned back to Shepard, grumbling, “Looks like you win, Commander.”

“Sorry, Officer,” Shepard apologized awkwardly. “I don’t like pulling rank, but…I’d really like to get married.”

“Shepard! Took you goddamn long enough,” a familiar voice said.

Shepard turned to see Zaeed walk into the lobby, Jacob and Javik close behind him. She snapped, “Want to try that again?”

“Thanks for getting us out, Shepard,” Jacob said quickly, before Zaeed could even open his mouth to speak. “We owe you one.”

“Damn straight,” Shepard scowled.

Cortez, Joker, and Kaidan were the next to enter the room, so Shepard joked, albeit more lightheartedly, “Ah, the masterminds behind this whole mess.”

“Don’t drag me into that,” Joker protested. “Cortez planned the whole thing.”

“I planned bar-hopping, not two car chases and three firefights,” Cortez countered. “Look, Shepard, I’m really sorry.” 

“No worries. I figure if anybody’s to blame here, it’s probably not you,” Shepard replied. Wrex, Grunt, and James all filed through the door, so she went on, “I have a feeling it was mostly the three of you, based on what Garrus told me."

“It’s not a real krogan party if _somebody_ doesn’t get arrested,” Wrex shrugged, unperturbed. “Vakarian’s an honorary krogan now, even if he does still need to grow a quad. It was hard as hell to get him to come with us.”

Grunt chuckled. “He did come up with the idea to get the guns, though. Made things a lot more fun.”

“Let’s not talk about last night anymore, shall we?” Garrus asked as he came into the room. “I don’t remember half of it, but what I do remember I’d like to forget.”

Shepard scanned the crowd, saw that everyone was there, and said, “Okay, good, you’re all here. I want you to know that you all fucked up big time. If there’s one day in a woman’s life you don’t fuck up, it’s her wedding day, and damn, did you all screw the pooch. My wedding was supposed to start _three hours ago_ – you all get to explain to all my guests why they’ve been waiting so long for an AWOL bride and groom.”

James and Wrex both snorted in amusement, so Shepard went on, voice dangerous, “And if _any_ of you do _anything_ like this again and I hear about it, we’re going to go for a drive in the Mako until you’ve learned your lesson. Got it?”

The room went deathly silent – Kaidan, Garrus, and Wrex all paled. After a moment Joker managed weakly, “You got it, Commander.”

“Good. Now go get changed and haul ass to the church. I’ve waited long enough to get married, I’m not waiting any longer,” Shepard ordered. Uncharacteristically obediently, the men all ran to obey.

Shepard turned to Garrus, her anger softening into affection. “You ready to go get married, big guy?”

“Damn right,” Garrus nodded. He took a step closer to her, dropping his voice to an undertone and murmuring in her ear, “And I promise I’ll make this all up to you tonight.”

“Sounds fair to me,” Shepard agreed with a smirk. “Just promise you’ll behave during the ceremony.”

“I’ll do my best. No guarantees,” Garrus replied. Shepard laughed.

As the two of them turned to go, Shepard said, “So I never asked earlier. When Wrex had you taking shots for each year you wanted us to be together…how many did you get to?”

“Spirits, I have no idea,” Garrus groaned. “Hold on…let me think.”

“Think carefully,” Shepard teased. “Remember, it _does_ represent how many years you think we’ll stay together.”

Garrus ignored her teasing, going on, “Last I remember…right after James started flirting with that C-Sec agent…was…thirty-five, I think.”

Shepard couldn’t suppress the smirk that tugged at her lips, prompting Garrus to demand, “What’s that for? What’s so funny?”

“What? Nothing,” she replied, fighting a giggle.

When Garrus regarded her with a disbelieving look, Shepard explained, “We did the same thing at my bachelorette party. Except afterwards we went shopping for all kinds of things you’re going to get to see on our honeymoon, instead of _shooting up the entire Citadel_.”

“I’m never going to live that down,” Garrus sighed, resigned. After a moment he paused and said, “Wait, hold on. That didn’t answer my question. What’s so funny?”

“You said you got thirty-five shots?” Shepard asked. Garrus nodded in confirmation, so she smirked again and said, “I got to thirty-six.”

When Garrus stared at her, stunned, she went on, “Of ryncol.” 

Even though Wrex was nowhere nearby, Garrus swore he heard the krogan laughing.


End file.
